In other news I bought a bike. That is what the internet is for by the way, telling people news like that. And then trying to think up some angle which will make such boring news valid and amusing!
I don’t have an angle like that – I just bought a bike. My old one got nicked at 2 AM when I was with one of my hoes in the loungeroom. We heard them nick it and everything but we thought it was just my neighbours. So I went to get a new bike.
When i was testing it, I thought maybe it was a bit small. He told me the ideal height was one that left one inch between the frame and your nuts when standing above the frame. When I straddled this one, my bollocks actually draped over the frame. But I had to buy it because I didn’t want to bring attention to the fact that i was short or had dangly nuts, plus it had my bollock germs on it now.
Other Ben quietly told me to not get a helmet so I could get a cheap one from K-Mart, so I did but I got the exact one he owned so we looked like cocks. We hid the helmet in his bag so the shop-man didn’t get all hurt that we got a cheap helmet from K-Mart.
I got home where the back wheel from my last stolen bike still sits in the rain, chained to the porch railing all lonely, wondering when the rest of his body is coming back.
Your body isn’t coming back OK? Life. Yeah?
But new bike, you are coming with me on a journey. A journey back to the greatest city on Earth. Canberra! Where I grew up.
(That ‘sorry’ response is from the movie BASEketball from 1998. You can make it if you like though! There’s nothing more refreshing to the ear than funny quotes and mad calls.)
Before we undertake this 500 km oddeysey, you shall need a name. Maybe Iida, for when we cycle along the Iida train line in Japan next year. Also, you are a Shogun brand bike, so that makes you Japanese and I fuckin’ love the Japanese, except for how they tolerate the Yakuza, and make that infinitely stupid anime. But Westerners love that anime, so we’re all stupid. Maybe I will name you Ridey.